that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
