It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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