I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?