Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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