I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
