Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
