i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
