I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize