my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just want nice things and good sex
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
