my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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