my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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