I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
