I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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