Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
