oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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