i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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