You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It's shark week go big or go home
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
