You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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