apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
