Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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