Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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