I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
