hotel room ftw
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
