my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
