Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
