I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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