So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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