I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
pray to the hookup gods
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
