I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
