god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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