I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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