I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
