If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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