I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
