I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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