I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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