so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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