had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
