when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
