Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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