"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
