I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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