I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
