Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
