Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Randomize
