The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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