this just has baby written all over it
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
My feet surprised me
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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