Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Please don't give away my fajitas
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
