I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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