According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
the liver wants what the liver wants
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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