i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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