Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
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Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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