just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Randomize
