One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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