the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Panties = found
Randomize
