This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
